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As human beings, we all have our values, beliefs, and attitudes, and we have developed and continue to grow throughout our lives.
When Sandra and I got to know each other, initially as friends and learned about each other’s history and previous relationships, we realised that we would not have been the right fit (for each other) in our twenties or thirties. But as we got older (wiser?) and our values became more pronounced, we found we were just right (for each other).
The man who views the world at fifty the same way as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life. – Muhammad Ali
Why write a commitment statement?
Our marriage is the second one for both of us. Neither of us thought we would marry again, but when it happened, we wanted to ensure we didn’t repeat past mistakes. We wanted to ensure we were both on the same page before jumping in a second time. We wanted our relationship (and marriage) to last.
Given that we are from different countries (I am from New Zealand, and Sandra is from East Germany), have different cultural upbringings and speak different native languages, it was also important to us to recognise our past lives and the fact that we are individual beings before we are a couple. All too often, people in relationships try to change each other or over-adapt, ignoring their needs and causing frustration, disappointment or even resentment.
So, when we married (each other), we documented our shared core values and created a commitment statement. Twelve statements form the basis for how we live, act and communicate in our relationship. We signed our marriage certificate AND commitment statement on our wedding day. When we owned a house, the single-page document was framed, sitting on our bedroom tallboy as a gentle daily reminder. While it now lives in the cloud, even 10 years later, we regularly refer to it. That’s how critical our commitment (to ourselves and each other) is.
Knowing what's important to us is the compass that directs our lives
Recommended Books on Adopting Minimalism
- Dean Christopher's Minimalism guides readers through a 12-week process to help them identify their values, evaluate their habits, change their mindsets, reduce mental stress, and ultimately transform their lives.
- Mastering Minimalism by Jordan Williams offers a comprehensive roadmap for adopting minimalism, taking a holistic, wheel-of-life approach that covers all aspects of our lives.
- Cal Newport's Digital Minimalism explores the impact of constant connectivity. It helps us regain control by using technology to support our values and goals (not distracting from them).
- Travel Light by Light Watkins combines the principles of minimalism with the art of travel. It offers practical tips on planning, packing, and staying mindful on the road to enhance the experience.
- Sustainable Living, Minimalism and Zero Waste by B. R. Pohl focuses on the intersection of minimalism and sustainability, helping readers to limit their footprint by reducing waste and consuming (more) mindfully.
What are some examples from our commitment statement?
Our first commitment reads:
First and foremost, we acknowledge that we are both individuals. We have our own goals, experiences, preferences, rhythm, temperament, physicality, strengths, thoughts, feelings and opinions.
Our commitment statement continues:
At times, we may be on the same wavelength; at times, we may not. But at any time, we feel safe to be ourselves.
We both have friends who have experienced controlling relationships and have witnessed the pain caused when one partner tries to manipulate the other. Being able to speak our minds and feeling safe no matter what was (again) so essential to us that we made it part of our commitment to each other.
Don’t worry; we won’t bore you with all twelve statements… we just wanted to give you some examples. Besides, they are very personal (and should remain that way).
Sandra signing our Commitment Statement on our wedding day
How to create your commitment statement in 7 simple steps?
Firstly, you don’t need a partner to do this. This could be your commitment statement to yourself – a documented set of personal values you commit to. Our recommended steps are:
1. Create space and time to write down words, phrases, sentences, and paragraphs of ideas that resonate with you.
2. Write down experiences that make you happy or sad (and why). Take note of the feelings you had.
3. Consider values found throughout humanity, such as
- Physical well-being (for example, rest, safety, touch)
- Autonomy (for example, choice, dignity, self-expression)
- Peace (for example, acceptance, hope, and ease of mind)
- Meaning (for instance, celebration, participation, understanding)
- Connection (for example, warmth, respect, consideration)
- Play (for example, adventure, humour, joy).
How would you like them to play out in your (future) life (together)?
What is your commitment to yourself/your partner?
4. Write 7 – 9 value statements that encapsulate your commitment to yourself and your partner. Add more or combine them as needed.
5. Next to each statement, write down how you will enact your values daily. For example:
- You need to be respected by your partner. You could enact this value by frequently asking for their opinion and genuinely listening to what they say.
- Do you value a deep sense of peace and harmony? You could enact this value by regularly taking time out for yourself and loved ones (to prevent imbalances or surface conflicts before they arise).
If you write a commitment statement for your relationship with your partner, we recommend completing steps 1-5 first individually. Then, you can share your statements, discuss each statement, and combine them into one document that reflects your commitment to each other as we progress.
6. Allow your values and statements time to sit. And if the words don’t fully reflect how you want to live your (future) life (together), don’t be scared to change them (while in draft form).
7. Once finalised, put your commitment statement where you can easily refer to it (especially in the early days). Enact your values daily (just as you said you would above).
Remember that your values will likely change as you age, gain more experience, or have different priorities. We recommend formally reviewing your core values and commitment statement every few years.
Have you defined your core values or written a commitment statement?
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